Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
