NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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