Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Randomize
