im gay
i know
yea but for you.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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