Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
