I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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