I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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