The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
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What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
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I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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