Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
