im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
