I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize