Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
