I wish my penis had an off switch
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
