Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
