I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
