Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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