i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
