it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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