so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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