nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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