i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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