Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
