if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
