I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
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I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
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Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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