When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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