I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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