Screwed.edu
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think your dad took our porno
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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