I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
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Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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