Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
