Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
