some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
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Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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