Jerry, you need to find god
I wish I only lived at night.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
