Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
