I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
