What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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