I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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