You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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