DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
