sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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