bring money and cleavage
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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