What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
