Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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