I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
