gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
