buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
