Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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