pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I understand Curling. That high.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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