I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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