my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
