I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
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She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
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You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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