Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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