I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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