Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
