He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
