i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
