i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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